I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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