Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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