its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
