if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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