I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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