I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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