Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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