She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize