I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
