dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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