I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I intend to get homeless drunk
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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