At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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