All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
