there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
