the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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