the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
