I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
