pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Holy sore nipples Batman
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
