Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
