I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
