Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize