I will die if light touches me.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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