you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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