I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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