i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I want a musical about memes.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
