Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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