The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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