it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
