when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
