i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
