He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
