dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
