Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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