he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
