You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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