perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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