I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
