If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Randomize
