we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
These tits shall not be calmed
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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