maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
