My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
