i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
