I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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