I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
