Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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