So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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