I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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