no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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