hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
