i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
