only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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