She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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