Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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