I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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