why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
