I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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