they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
